A PEEK INTO A LANDLORD’S WORLD
Hiya…I’m Alan and I’ve been landlord of The Vine for ten years now; apart from that, my only claim to fame is that Doctor Spooner once called me a shining wit. Even though ten years should be long enough to get to know and understand your customers, some of our regulars still astound me. It’s a quirky little pub, and every such establishment has its characters – but trust me, The Vine has more than its fair share.
Take Arnold Snodgravy, for instance, a retired mechanic who works part-time in the local bakery as a broken biscuit mender. When the smoking ban came in he enrolled at the acupuncture clinic to help him quit, but after just one session he packed it in – said it gave him pins and needles. Arnold’s 89 now and since he’s recently learned to use the mobile phone his grandson bought him 10 years ago, he is in almost constant touch with his bookie. He watches the racing every afternoon in the taproom and the day before yesterday he lost £10 on the big race and £5 on the action replay.
Dennis, age 46, (our version of ‘Fools & Horses’ Trigger) is no better. Six months ago, he wrote to the health department because his hearing aid was broken. He was telling me the other day he’s waited all that time and so far, he’s heard nothing.
Over the years, our taproom has been the scene of some wonderful eccentricities and last Thursday night witnessed a momentous one. ‘Garlic’ Smith and Arthur Cheapcut were playing darts when Garlic said; ‘I want this to be a really good shot because the wife’s standing at the bar in the best room, watching me.’
‘Don’t be bloody stupid!’ Scoffed Arthur. ‘Get closer, you’ll never hit her from here.’
One of our younger stars, Lee Laffercock, who firmly believes that reality is an illusion caused by alcohol deficiency, recently won a designer porcelain-handled toilet brush in our Saturday night raffle and surprised everyone when he returned it the following lunchtime, saying he’d rather use Andrex Supersoft.
Every pub has its own jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none: ‘Crispy’ Seabrook is ours. Ever cheerful, helpful, and keen to test his ‘trial and error’ electrical skills, he offered to rewire a faulty plug behind the bar for me last week. Yanking off the cover to expose the bare wires he said, ‘Al, touch that wire. Can you feel anything?’
‘No,’ I said, ‘not a thing.’
‘Good,’ he grinned, ‘don’t touch that other one – it’ll kill you.’
Believe it or not, I love ‘em all!
Right. Time to tell you about a couple of the many activities you can enjoy at the Vine. Tuesday is Quiz Night when we provide a free supper. Our tongue sandwiches speak for themselves and we have special bar snacks for the ladies with nuts.
Saturday is our ever-popular Karaoke Night and I think perhaps the best way to describe this is in a poem.
KARAOKE NIGHT AT THE VINE
It’s nine o’clock on Saturday night; the weekend’s almost done
A sudden shriek of feedback from the mike
Announces the commencement of discordant, boisterous fun
For Sunday night is Karaoke Night
‘Bionic’ Brown, who’s eighty-three, steps up to take first turn
He squints through thick round glasses at the screen
Gyrating like he’s twenty-three with energy to burn
Cremating ‘We Will Rock You’, a la Queen
When Dora Puddy gets her chance to entertain her friends
It’s difficult for folk to sing along
She starts off with the backing track and winds up when it ends
But barring that ignores it through the song
There’s Ted who loves his opera, distinguished, tall and stiff
His sad, flat notes reducing him to tears
And Syd who thinks he’s Elvis, young Stan who thinks he’s Cliff
And Monica who knows she’s Britney Spears
By closing time the crowd is hushed and dewy-eyed with beer
They’re waiting for the evening’s final rite
Then Theo Murphy’s ‘Danny Boy’ receives the loudest cheer
And brings an end to Karaoke night
Well, everybody’s gone home now and I’m sitting on my own at the bar, scribbling this down for you. Another day done, all targets met, all systems fully operational, all customers satisfied, all staff keen and well motivated.
ALL PIGS FED AND READY TO FLY! 
See you at The Vine - Alan
alcowling48@hotmail.co.uk
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